A WORLD WITHOUT APPLES

Was it the Egg or the Hen?  Was it the Ink or the pen? Was it Batman or Superman? Was it the Gates or the Jobs? To be precise, will it be you or them? Somewhere, someone had read once, “You may not be the next Bill Gates, you may not be the next Steve Jobs, But you can be the next you!” To speak is easy, to write is even easier, to act on what we write, speak and feel is all that matters! Yes, nothing else matters.

When we were born, there were a dozen around us celebrating our arrival into the mother earth. Sweets to all, party to some, smiles on few. We grew up to a stage, where we learnt to walk, learnt to eat and were taught to speak. Later, a zillion amount of words, sentences, phrases, poems, algebras, geometries, theorems, theories, his law, her law, differentiation ,integration, that guy’s history, how he won it, how he lost it, where that land is, how the geography is, and also some part of moral sciences once a week or twice. Total chow-chow bath for all the brains and some more of it parcelled to home. Our body was in the chair where we studied, but soul was in the road where we all wanted to play. But it was that Mammoth Cane that our mom had with her always which kept us notified on where our mind actually belonged to. We showed interest in studies, slept lesser, missed school trips, skipped a couple of weddings of our cousins, wept for scoring 85 instead of 95 and what not! All that we did was to make sure that our Mummies n Daddies were happy for what we did!

There was a moment when we were asked about our future plans. One said Doctor, another Engineer, another IAS, another Filmmaker, and another Driver! Yes, as a guy we wanted to be a Driver, and as a girl it was to be a nurse or a teacher! It was our tender minds which made us give a firm stand on what our future’s supposed to be. After all our explanation, the common dialogue we received from Mummies n Daddies is, “ Adannaaa…Engineering maadid mele madkobodhu”. With that belief, we set our walk directly to our classroom, full happy happy, lovely lovely. Friends apart, each in different colleges, all wanting to be together, and the much needed desperation followed.

Teacher enters classroom, says out loud, “Open the windows, let the air force come in! Ssshh.. Silence, the principal just passed away” Like these, there are many who kept boasting about the funny dialogues used by their teachers which supposedly happened “In their College”. If noticed, everyone would argue that these dialogues were by a teacher of “their college”. In reality, would it have happened so? Would any teacher have spoken so? Well... Newton only knows. Because, if it wasn’t for Newton, and if it wasn’t that Apple which fell on him, we would not have been Engineers now! If we weren’t Engineers, we would not have to look for the colour of the blue solution!

Somewhere, we may all feel that the world is being dumber than ever! The only anchor supporting this thought is the world which we are living in. The interest we had over our career might have taken a detour in recent times. The coffee had during sunrise has now shifted to sunset! The breakfast that our mummy prepared is almost long forgotten! Another few misses of our cousin’s weddings! Once we weren’t satisfied for an 85, which has now directly cut short to a 35! Well, there are cases where we score a 30, 60 and 90! This is exclusively new and prominently expertise by most of us now. A smoky breath, a hung over morning class! Stinky denim! And an Old Spice deo to stay fresh!  Management of available resources has been the most effective activity that we are all into.

Today, if we were given an opportunity to choose what we wanted to be, there would be a definite “White Screen without dots” in our vision! Days pass by, our memories from the past get filled up as a backup. Blinking like a lost soul with a poker face will be more. As days pass by, we would tend to surrender with what we have, rather than win what we want! We all have the power to be what we want to be, it’s just the right lane selection that matters. Again, nothing else matters.

(7 out of 10 would have had a quick peek into their phone’s notification by now!)

An apple a Day, keeps a Doctor away. It is the apple for which we need to be grateful about. If it wasn’t for that apple, and what if it was something else which fell on Newton? The World without Engineers! Just imagine, how good or bad would it be! Now that we are in the lane which has so many travellers, choosing whether to be here or not is upto us.

There is no sincere motive in making you read this. May be you could consider this as a short reminder of the future you all aspire. If you are really serious about it, start acting on it ASAP! Do not let the world overcome you, and please do not blame the ones around you for you not able to achieve it. No human is a master in decisions; it is the experience which best serves in making any. And that is eggjactly why we reached here. Sometimes, life may be confusing as much as these sentences are to you right now!

Confusion leads to chaos, Chaos makes us blank, and it is the blank sheet which can either be torn, or converted to a handicraft, or decorated with amazing colours. It is definite that we all have highest respect to the apple which fell on that man. An apple a day, keeps the doctor away. And I’m sure not all wanted to be Doctors, not all want to be film makers, and not all want to be Drivers! Whatever we are, we have to be proud of ourself. The best way to love this world is by loving ourself first :)

As a human, Engineer yo’r life the way you seek it to be. Success follows soon.

The Beginning of the Happening!

The days will be brighter, the sun would shine heavier than earlier. 
Kids will be smiling, old pals will be laughing. 
The enemy would zip up, as we all come up! Lighter will be the pressure, heavier will be the Load. 
As the Road to Fame is Made just like the Game, 
We will be there for each other's Name.

Setting milestones is what we all desire, 
Belief in all is what we all aspire.
Go or not go is not the world from Now, 
Just Know how to Go is the universe somehow! 

Momentary achievements, en-route lifetime fulfillment.
Today is one such day, which will take us there someday!
Gather all the hope, stock up all the faith
Tomoro we seek, will be in such a peak! 

Load your weapons, rise your swords, gather all the rum! Look not Down on thy neighbor. For who's not today's, will definitely be tomoro's :) 

And we have the beginning of the Happening! :) Om Shri om!



It wasn't a matter at all till the job was on, and then it was finalized, appreciations received. It was just a moment ago, may be 20 mins back that i realized how healthy it is to work and earn as an individual. You have earned on your own. Your have earned coz of your effort. You are the proud owner of your earning! 

I may not have been so happy, not happy..in right words you can say "whatever that is called when you are emotionally excited, want to smile but tears come off", that kind of feeling which is now just settling back to normal. OK! now i'm normal. Lets get back to our usuals and get this feeling back at the earliest! ;)

Grown Ups!!

Life J

We all have one. Knowing the entire cause for it is a never ending mystery. We live our life, we love our life and sometimes we leave our life, just for a simple cause! A cause which makes us and the lives around us impeccable and settled. The Joy cum excitation, the series of emotions, the scrambled lane of memories, and many more unexplained values that we experience through the moment of us. 

A few months back, when a good friend of mine asked me, “What's the purpose of us being here?" I wasn't that convincing to him with my reply! At that moment, all that was in my mind was, "Has the alcohol made so much effect on him?". But knowing the past of my friend, it was easy for me to judge that there was something more than the alcohol which was scrambling his thoughts, and had laid a huge apostrophe over the protagonist of the moment, "Life". The more deeper the explanations were, stronger were the questions on his mind. The fact of being fired by his family for not being with them most of the times, the fact of being paid less in spite of the talents we posses also had to be considered during the discussion. All he wanted to know was, “Why am i here in this world? Why are we created? Is it just to eat, sleep and repeat? Is there anything more to it than having a routine that the great/ worthless people follow? Aren't we missing something which we haven't experience at all?

Listening to him saying all this, i was indeed mindfucked! "What in the world is making him feel so? To the outside world, he appears so cool and calm, but somewhere deep within, there was something unanswered for him. The cool lad suddenly appeared to be a Hiuen Tsang in the search of "The answer for his life". The mystical enthusiasm in him was something unusual, which in general was so odd with respect to his image in the outside world. He is known to be a casual, light minded friend, who is most of the times a target for healthy dumbness. The way world looked at him, and the way he looked at the world with a question mark was really interesting. All i said to him was, "You will realize as the day’s move on", which was backfired by another cracker, "Why do we need to experience life? Why can't we just die right away? Who knows, we might have been born in this world just to kill a mosquito and after killing it, why be alive?

Now, the discussion was turning out to be an argument! He was firm on his thoughts and the same held good with me, with fair amount of justice to his points. I then realized that it was the sharing of thoughts which made us more accountable in this world; in this phenomenon called "Life". The more we share, the more relaxed we feel. The more we creep within, lonelier we feel. The more we eat, more heavy we feel. The more we talk, lesser the respect we feel. The more we walk, less prestigious we feel. 

The more we do, the more we feel. 

The more we do, the less we feel. 

The lesser we do, the more we feel. 

The lesser we do, the lesser we feel

The moment and the actions which follow after a feeling is something from the third level of this universe. Everything we do in life has no cause, not purpose. We do it, because it is bound to be so. We sometimes don’t agree with it, because we are bound to be repellent! That’s human nature. Belief or disbelief, its varies from person to person, region to region, and more importantly, From relations to relations. We all rely on a relation. May be it real or virtual, considering the tremendous forces of attractions around us, which make us involved deeply with what we are, attached the most. It may be a Bike, it may be our home, it may be our parent, it may be our love/partner, or it may even be a dustbin which we see daily on our way back home. It could be anything. The moment we are attached to them, we start surrendering our values, making space for the same from their end. The self-run character in us tends to see changes here and there just to reach the level of the opposite side. 

Let us consider our parent here! The ones whom we are introduced first in this world! :) 

We grow right from our Barday. We had milk, we grew! We had Cerelac, we grew! We had Complan, we grew! We had Corn flakes, we grew! We had Chavanprash, we grew! More than us having all these, we were willingly fed by our parent so that we all grew. And the moment finally came when we called ourselves Grown Ups!! :) We partied!! The Signs of Adolescence was visible in every one of us, and accordingly the changes that we inculcated to match that level is evident too in every one of us. No one would forget that! At-least our first shave!!! The first cut, the mockery we faced, and lot of other censored stuff which may not be appropriate to be written since the wroter is very good at spelling mistakes!!

After having so many process changes, structural and functional modifications, we now firmly believe on Independent decisions. We would have watched a pilot walking towards his airplane, an actor signing autographs, Sachin celebrating his centuries, or even Vajramuni's breath taking actions on the screen. Our actions have now become a series of fantasies of the past. All we want to see from now on is a Happy & Successful Us. A beautiful house, a huge garden to begin with, range of sedans waiting for you with a chauffeur of your choice, charming chicks around, relax in the day, party in the night, no worries at all!! This is what most of us Dream, day in and night out!! But for our fate, there's another phenomenon in our life called "Distraction".

We believe that the mightiest aspect in the world is our Will power! But quite a few fail to notice that the phenomenon which carries this will power right from its inception is Distraction. It was this which made the world's largest vessel to sink in the sea. It was this which made so many of us lose their lane of future. It will be this which may make us surrender to the surrounding pressure. Everything we witness in our day to day living is bound to change, disperse or even disappear. Our consciousness reaches to such a level towards it, that we start believing at something which may not be important at all.

For e.g.: Smoking!

As we begin growing, the teenage in us misleads to various paths, initiating the spark of Disastrous Glory for everyone. It all begins on trial basis! The performance of the product reaches to such a level that, the level of activity in us turns out to be directly proportional to the availability of the product at our mental door. Somewhere in the middle, a few realize about it in the long run, while many still stick on it expecting for magic. People start expecting magic, without thinking about logic! The day comes when the magic turns out to be a disguised art of temporary pleasure. Now is the time when a few more start thinking about logic, while the rest are still stuck on to magic. Finally a day comes when the product has done magic on its user, and made him disappear permanently away from nature. The basic fact about smoking is nothing but the one explained above. It is just an excuse!

Now kindly excuse me J if we could just rewind for a moment, you may realize that it was the topic of smoking which came into mind due to the topic of distraction, which was taken out due to topic of Fantasies, which was again due to the topic of our parent! So many distractions and some distractions within the distraction! Our Concentration needs to be so precise towards our target. If not, this would be the result. It would end up through numerous never ending concepts which would do nothing to our mind than distract.

In simple, a distracted person who once left home to reach Egypt in the lookout for Mummies would end up with Wilson (tennis Ball) in Bay of Bengal!! Nor the dead mummy, nor the actual mummy to be around him at the moment. Total confusion is all that he can get at the best possible rates (almost free actually if the tennis ball wasn’t there).

May be this is when we start creating question marks and apostrophes’ around us. We start questioning for every deed that is pictured in our life. We quest in the name of life, all the wanted/ unwanted aspects which appear to new to a layman who’s never thought more in life than to start his day with a toothbrush and toothpaste. This layman would have been doing just the basic etiquettes in life making it simple enough for a smile during bedtime. He has no questions to anyone, or to himself.

You wake up in the morning, grab a cup of coffee, finish the daily routine in the loo if possible, if not leave to work, hurry in traffic, reach office, have breakfast if you remember, start off work, rush to handle some pressure at the restroom, eat, chit-chat, log off and reach home with a heavy eye seeking nothing more than a pleasant sleep. The master copy is ready, and the copier begins printing the next day after another. Accept or not, most of us would be living the life as above. The most of us who would be leaving the life above would also be the many who wanted to live with their fantasies! J If I’m not wrong!

When asked, what are you doing with your life? the reply we get is “It’s not the same now. Lot of commitments, and other stuff”. Yes, agreed that we all have commitments, but what about our commitments towards our goal? “This is my commitment now, and this is my goal. No more experimenting in life, I’m done!!” Experimenting???? How in the world can it be an experiment?? “Look, there are a lot of other good things for me to do! And I’ve passed the age to try out anything new. I don’t think it’s feasible to go back into the past. Sometimes, we have to sacrifice”. 8 out of 10 discussions would definitely turn out to fade away from both the ends due to the simple fact, “Lack of interest”.

We simply stop our interest towards our fantasy! We simply stop showing interest to the people whom we care! We simply stop showing interest towards the Dust Bin we once liked! We simply stop showing interest towards our life!

Now, I believe that there’s no necessity to explain about the phenomenon, “Interest”. This is a common aspect which even a microscopic creature would have felt. Everybody and everything in this world has interest towards a certain prospect. It may be the interest of a tree to make home for birds, it may be the interest of a father to see his daughter in the military, it may be the interest of a kid to see Popeye while eating spinach, it may be you showing interest in closing this document right now! Interest exists in everyone, the concepts seem varying.

Our Interest is followed by our actions. Actions are followed by commitments. The commitments are made to pass through a series of distractions. These distractions are controlled by confusion. The confusion then leads to a decision. This decision makes us firm on our commitments. These commitments make us show interest. This interest makes us a start questioning with everything around us! The commitments we had earlier and the commitments which result from decision are entirely different with most of the people. The only reason being “Lack of Patience” which is readily available with all whenever required.

Interests, commitments, patience, distractions, confusions, fantasies, love, hatred, jealousy, care, respect, dignity, maturity, dumbness, intelligence, and what not! The list never ends. Our life is meant to witness all of these at the best possible way. Handling them in the right order is what we our existence is meant for! The exposure to various phenomena in the concept of life should be real strong in order that the future ahead of us is never felt short of any.

My friend, who once questioned about life, may not remember the whole scene right now! His topic of interest would be something else right now! Our minds have the susceptibility to change at real high speeds which would make a 3G service feel ashamed. Each of us is unique in the way we pursue at things. A girl’s smile may be seductive to one, while to the other it would be cruel. The actual purpose for the girl’s smile would be entirely different to what these two were imagining.

If someone asked me, I would say that Life is an open book. There are a million words in the book which have specific meanings with respect to everything we witness day by day. The only reason to cherish with the book is the enormous memories it holds for us. The memories which will make us smile, cry, numb. We all are born with a purpose. That is to Value ourselves. Each rupee makes a million. We know the value of a rupee. But the real task lies in valuing each rupee. The moment we are on it, it is the answer to all the questions we carry.

Spreading a million smiles is more soothing than spending a billion times!

Each of us is unique. Live your life! Love your life! We need not be Grown Ups for any of these J

Have Great times ahead J

When She Cries!

Friday, 18 November she goes home. I was in Kerala for the whole week, had asked her whether we could meet, but she left through train. May be she didn want to make me come to the railway station. I got a reply for my text after she left. She was home, two days of rejoiced memories were supposed to be with her when she came back. And i didn want to be her show spoiler, so didn contact her nor texted her on both the days. I was all here in Bengaluru, finding time for lot of my friends, meeting them, hanging out, partying hard! It was indeed a totally occupied weekend which began right from Friday night and ended on Monday Morning! ;)

With this sleepy n freaky face, i woke up at 7 in the morning, reached home at 8 and freshened up n left to Office. Thanks to my boss, as he was not there, which made me a bit relaxed for the day to come. And there was her call at around 11.30. My brains began thinking in all possible ways, why she's calling. Later i decided not to think much, as it was a Call! Just a Call!! I picked, we started speaking. I didn come out of Office, and my colleague is sitting next to my cubicle, possibly listening to what i was talking. I told her what n all i did in the two days n three nights! She listened to it all :). Later she starts telling me about what happened back at her place.As it was her cousin's engagement, she met a lot of relatives! And yo know how it is to be a bachelor in front of them. She said that someone came to her parents, took her Kundali and went itseems. The next thing i hear on my phone is her crying! She is crying out with such deep pain, i never saw this side of bubbly ever before! I couldn tolerate it! I asked her a several times what it was, what it was, but she never said anything. She said that everything thats happening around her is kind of against her and she is completely lost not knowing what to do! The first thought that came in me was that i should have been next to her at that moment! I said that i am coming to her in the night and sorting everything out! As always, she said that she'll be fine and asked me not to be there.

Later we started saying that there were a lot of phase changes happening in her life, and she's not able to digest it easily! She has a lot of plans over her career, and she's being forced to go against her will which will surely affect her real bad! A glimpse of it was what i saw/ heard/ felt yesterday. The worried side of bubbly was there yesterday! And thinking about it just makes me feel shit scared as to how she would manage it later on in the years to come. She later said that her uncle had told her in a sarcastic manner, "Marry someone in our caste itself, dont go behind some monkey of other caste". These words of that man made here think a lot and hurt her real bad! I asked her to talk about this to her mom. She needs to talk to them, listen only to them! not to someone whom she has never seen before!! Finally i felt that she was feeling for her family :). I was happy for her! All this while she used to be a lonely soul, and now she realizes the need of her dear ones, Her Family!!

As she was in her Aunt's place, and had to leave to Office, she said that would call later. Me, on the other hand couldn bear the silence of hers. I was deep into her thoughts thinking of how to sort her feelings, what best that i could do to make her feel relaxed n happy. I felt that the best way to do that would be to meet that in the night! With the same intention, i left to my home from Office, waited for bharath to come so that we could finish our dinner, and that i would leave. I texted her in the mean time and asked what time she'd be done with work. She called back saying not to come, and that she was doing good. However, in the morning she was feeling very sick about it and wanted to share it. She said that she might get late while leaving Office and it would not be very appropriate to meet. Inspite of that, i was not at all ready to be at home. My instinct said Go..Go...Go.. later decided that it would be better if i'd given some free space to her. So i came back directly from Dinner to home.

12 in the midnight, she called :). Till then i was sitting alone, thinking what time she would be reaching home, and whether i should ve gone or not. She spoke nicely for 30 secs i guess, and started to cry again :( This time, i too couldn tolerate! I could feel myself the way i was melting for her tears. I didn know what to say, what to do! I was totally clueless. I then told her that i should have been next to her. Now that she was crying, how would i console her on phone. And she replied "It is already late chethan"







She Dropped the Call.









I was brainstruck for a while! Mind had nothing running within, feeling that i was a chutia who couldn realise how badly she wanted me to be there! Till now i felt i was a loser, now i realised that i am one, big time! I called her back, said that i was comin to her, she again insisted not to come. After sometime, she seemed to get better. She spoke about her Dad, how she used to trouble him when she was a kid. Whatever anyone else used to say, she used to be the opposite to it. Whenever Uncle came to pamper her, she used to run away, when he says that he wont pamper then she only used to fall on him :) It was so Good to listen to all those words from her. She was so damn excited while tellin about it, i felt that i was the most blessed then! The enthu she had while speaking, the energy carried yesterday, was the best ever i ve seen in her :)

I realised it finally! The actualization one person will come up with after years of needs n satisfactions. The feel of being a Friend :) The feel of being one person who is considered very special and shared with every part of our life. I saw that in her! The need for a friend who will be there for her anytime, everytime, all the time! I know that i will never be away from her. I cant be actually!! She says not to worry abt her all the time, that she is a problem for me..but i really don understand how she would be a problem! Caring for her is something which gives me immense pleasure..or in other words "The Energy" for everything. I do not even think about anything else when she is with me. That is something which i know is really important considering the loss of it till now!

She says that she has to be isolated from everyone, and has decided to be so! I never asked her whether i too would be in that list, fearing the fact if all at she does so! Now she wants to concentrate only on her family and not the rest, coz she's started realising how much family means to her :) Good that she realised.

23 it was!

23 IT WAS!!

November, the 5^th of 1987, the day I was here! J Creating happy faces around… So have I maintained it all this while…It has been a wonderful progress along the years knowing a lot of stuffs, to do and not to do! Years passing by within a glimpse of a second, and here I am with the same funny posture trying to making everyone be merry around. Sometimes felt that was being more than what was required, later I say to myself, “After all, it’s me!! Shetty!!!”

                November, the 5^th of 2010, I had told to myself, “Shetty, this is gonna be the Best Year of your life”. So it has! J I am almost satisfied with my own words. It has really been a wonderful year for me, a year which will be etched in deep memories, for everything that has gone past before me. I thank every moment and everyone who has made it into such a wonderful time like never before. As always, life’s moving faster and much better than the previous year. Happy for what I expected and happy that it has happened as expected.

                Anybody in this age would seek a wonderful career. So do i!! And it turned out eggjactly the way I expected it to beJ. As everyone said, “Shetty…Marketing suits a lot for a person like you”. Although I never had any hardcore intention on getting into marketing, it was people’s word which made me feel interested in it. And here I am all happy for itJ. Thank you all for motivating.

                Love would be the next feel everyone would desire for. So did it happen to meJ…to Shetty!!! Shetty fell in LoveJ. What better/ surprising news could anyone get from me? Although it doesn’t seem to be successful, I am happy that I was able to find a Girl whom I really cared for, worried for, felt happy for from the Core of my heartJ. Thanks Dear for Coming and Staying in my HeartJ. Ok! To all who are laughing, I’m sorryL, had to fall for it!

                Family!!!...The foremost of allJ. Realising that we are the only ones meant for our family needs some time. Although I was aware of it, I have not been really serious about the same. Even now I don’t think I am very much serious about it since it contradicts to what I am! But, I have made sure that no bad happens to them by me, by my sister and by everyone around. Problems are not new in any family, and it holds equally good when it comes to mine. Financially, mentally and every possible way, we have to be stable to have a balanced outcome overall…Looking forward to maintain it all in the right wayJ

                FacebookJ…why should I leave it out? I never thought that I would be soo deep into internet anytime. It was finally in this age, at 23 I realised the importance of internet and tried to make the most of it! Thanks to the technology we are supported withJ

So…here I am Entering into my 24^th, from the deepest love to everyone and to those moments, thanking for all the Joys & Sorrows that have come along, few stayed and few Gone.

Thank you 23J…You were WonderfulJ

Dear 24…Welcoming you whole heartedlyJ

-          Chethan Shetty

I Don know what to say!!

Thursday, 1^st September 2011

Bangalore

Chapter 1

The Wave

Guess which song is playing right now! “I just can’t get enough!! Why I think about it every night and day? I’m addicted wan’na gem inside yo’r love!!J”

I have been acting strange since a week. Err...No. To be precise, since last Sunday. Something great happened in my life on that day. Something which even though I wanted since so many years never came close to me, something for which I was not even bothered to find! I know this is not something new or something unique that has happened only to me, but whatever is happening is making me so happy and fresh which not even I myself have tried to be. I thank from my heart for that person who made me feel so energetic and … I don’t have words to describe it. I still do not understand what great happened on that day. But whatever went on, I am missing it right now. Also, I don’t want to miss the memories of it.

Monday, 23^rd Aug, I get a message on Facebook from her. My phone had switched off for a few days since I had lost its Charger. She too had changed her sim, and had tried to reach me that Weekend. My bad-luck that the phone had been switched off. We later talked over phone at night, discussing so many things which we haven’t been doing since a while due to the “Work-load” we all carry (but not me). She wanted to get out of this crowded fuss and go somewhere to have a peaceful hour or two. Accordingly, we decided to leave to Nandi Hills on the next Sunday, 28^th Aug. She also had an event to attend the earlier day, a plantation row in the Whitefield ITPL stretch. During that Saturday, me and Praveen had been for one of our Friends’ lunch and later been to Commercial Street for him to shop! Finally I ended up buying a Jacket for 1400/- in spite of it being the end of the Month!! Before buying this, I had also seen in another store, a Beautiful kurthi kind of top which just made me remind of her. Now, that was the first time I ever imagined a Girl while looking at a Mannequin. I started to sense that there’s something new that’s gonna happen in my life… which I hope to become as “Our Lives”. Ye... Right, an expectation even before something can happen. But, I am a Human too. I believe I have that right to imagine the good things in front of me. We did our bit of shopping and then returned. I felt so bad that I couldn’t buy that kurthi for her. But then, it’s not right of me to present her with something. That’s what I felt, trying to think safe and not disturb her mind with any suspicious thought. Thinking that I was right, we reached back to our Place.

Then, we planned to finish a quarter of whisky which was feeling alone since 3 weeks. Ordered a pizza, this was nowhere close to fill my stomach! But then, need to adjust right... Later Praveen asked me whether I was leaving to Nandi Hills next morning. I was still not sure of it since she had not confirmed it. She had said that she would call me in the evening and decide on the plan. But, it was 2200 hrs... and not any news from her side at all L I thought it was a flop show of going the next morning, and began thinking of other alternatives for the Sunday. However, I couldn’t wait for long, called her up, and guess what! No Reply!! Now, my beliefs were getting firm on the pessimistic side and I was seriously thinking of other alternatives. In the mean time, i had two drinks to keep the system cool. Again tried calling after an hour, and there she was answering it at the last ring. What a sigh of relief it was for me. Not that she would decide on tomorrow’s trip, but that she spoke, for which I waited from the tip of my heart J Yes, I smiled when she answered, just the way the smiley is smiling.

She had been shopping. That’s why she did not call till so late. And Guess where she had been shopping to? The same Commercial Street I had been too!! At the same time when I was there!! Can you believe that!! Now my mind began recollecting all that I was thinking about her while looking at that Dress!! I felt that there was some connection. Both of us were Clueless of each other being there. Then, we got back to talk about the Next Day’s agenda. We decided to leave at 6 in the morning, and that I would set an alarm for 5 in the morning and whoever woke up early would wake up the other. And after a talk for some time, i went to sleep.

The alarm rings… Its 5!! I don’t even feel like sleeping. Not even a single percent of that feeling which I have anytime else… that feeling of sleeping back after shutting the alarm. Then, I called her up and she talked with that sleepy voice, I felt that I am disturbing her, spoiling her peaceful sleep, which she needed much keeping in mind what she had done the earlier day. I really was in two minds whether to take her or let her sleep. I was continuously asking her whether she was ready to come, for which she never said no…and that she was fine and that she wanted to go!! I then had no other option, but then to take her. That morning I felt so fresh…like never before. But even then, I didn’t miss freshening up!

My Blackbeauty was down since a month after it began giving a strange sound while I had been to Hassan in July. So, I had no other option that to take Bharath’s pulsar which I have been using in the meantime. The weather was not that cold, but wore a half sleeved jacket, just in case. I had forgotten to fuel it the earlier day and accordingly, my bike stopped near MG Road!! Why does it happen at this time!!!Ahrrr… I had to push it for a distance and fuel it and then finally reached her place at 0622 hrs.

There she was…with her pretty sleepy face…all plumpy-plumpy she had become. It was around 5 months that I had last seen her. I felt so happy looking at her after so long. I again asked her whether she was sleepy or not? She said she was totally fine. And we left. She had not taken a STOL with here. It was so windy outside; I felt so much for her then. I once thought of going back to her place and getting a jacket or something atleast for her. But she repeatedly said that she was ok with it and asked me to continue. It was such a memorable and peaceful ride then. She after sometime dozed off resting on my back. The first time, a Girl slept on my shoulders. I felt soo Goood!! As soon as we were on the uphill, she was totally on her toes!! She was soo excited looking at the place. She was very very happy!! That itself made my day! I was soo happy to know how good she felt for the place. J Yes, the same smile again. But, she was not able to bear the cold. I gave her my jacket too to wear upon her paper thin woollen sweater. I too felt the cold, but I couldn’t bear to see her shiveringL.

We went up the Hill, for the first time in my four visits, I went to the temple! We had a good little time inside the temple. Then, we had an awesome, the most beautiful time I had ever!! We sat on the Hill for about an hour or so…just talking normal things. Nothing romantic!! We talked about our work the most. But whatever it was, I was totally into her. Looking at her speaking, her hair falling on her face, that plumpy-plumpy little face of hers, I just could stop admiring her. Ladki mile tho, aisi!! I had this tiny crush on her since College. But, I never realized that it would grow this BIG!! A Crush which cannot be shown to her!! A Crush which cannot be taken forward L and that’s what I don’t want to happen. I don’t want to lose her ever. She is a Gem for me always! A Gem for whom I will sacrifice anytime.

We were there till 0945 hrs and later left back to Bangalore, planning for Bfast and then a movie. While coming back also, she was almost in her sleepy mood itself. She must have been soo tired the previous day; I felt that for the sake of me she came along. Later I felt that there was no point in thinking of it as we already were heading back home. We went in to a Restaurant and had a tasty Masala Dosa. She liked this tooJ. I was happy again. I could see the sleep in her eyes. I asked her again what she would like to do. She promptly said that she will go home, take some rest and meet later again. I accordingly, dropped her home at around 1230 hrs and left to Gautham’s place. She said that she would take a bath and rest for a while and meet again at 1600 hrs. I was ok with it, since I didn’t want to see her tired the next day while at work.

I later left to Gautham’s. Had a good time there with all of them and Ruth, who was first scared looking at me and later was totally behind my back muttering “Maama...Maama...” It’s such a delight to see her all around. God Bless her! J

It was 1615 hrs. I called her, and as usual she answered at the last ring. We then, decided to go for Aarakshan movie, a damn serious movie over the education system in the society. She repeatedly said that she would come to the Mall as it was close to Gautham’s place, but I said that I would come to pick her up. But, my Aunt, as usual, showing her from-the-heart care, made tea for me which took another one hour. I once thought maybe I should call her and ask to come to the Mall. But then, I did not feel it right from my part. So, waited with patience until the tea was made and then left after a while. God! This one hour was totally precious for me. I knew I was getting towards the end of a Beautiful Day of my Life!

We met again; she had changed and was looking cute-cutey now. God!! I don’t know how to say it. I feel soo shy to praise any girl’s beauty. I do not have that courage in me at all L Always I feel like expressing my thoughts to her, but she takes it in a funny way. Maybe that’s coz of me being funny all the time. She was like an Angel! (Godfather violin theme is playing on my comp now!!) Such a wonderful time I had with her. I never wanted to come out of it in the first place. We went around the Mall, entered BATA, hoping that she would buy something for herself. We saw a lot of pretty footwear for her. The best part was that we both liked the similar ones!! And ye... one more thing! She has a mole in her chin, I too have it! She has a mole in her neck, I too!! We almost have the same likes!! Born on the same date, 5^th!! Same dislikes!! Same feelings for others!! I had only one question that I wanted to ask myself and her… Where were you all this while dear?? Where were you?? Why didn’t I get a chance to be with you?? Or Will I be that lucky one to share her life with?? If you permit so! I am always ready for it J which will be followed by lots of opposition from both sides... (From her too may be) And I don’t want to see her suffer, or someone else on her side and my side to suffer coz of me. That’s the only reason I like to be quiet on this issue. That’s the whole reason for me to write this, coz I don’t have the strength in me to Go in front of her and say it!! No...i cant…Moreover I won’t!!! Never!!!

In the Store, whenever she checked for any sandal, I picked it up from the floor and kept it back in place. I was getting so honoured by taking care of her, which I never felt for anyone before!! None!! The moment when she held my hand, when I held her hand, she dragging me out of the store saying that she doesn’t wanna buy, and I on the other side, planning to gift her the same! Although I couldn’t do it since I was a bit short for my last week of the month L I still feel bad about it… That too, I did it not once, but twice!! Once on Saturday and again on Sunday… What an Arse I am!! God!!!!!!!!!

Then, we went for the movie, a good one indeed! But I kept feeling that she would have been tired and would be getting bored. As usual, she said that she was not feeling so. We watched the whole stretch of 3 hours of awesome movie art.

After the movie, she said that she wants to catch up with her friends. So, first I asked her to confirm about it. She called them, and got to know that they had already done with Dinner. We then went to a restaurant, had some food. She then revealed me about a Guy who was troubling her, following her. She was really worried coz of him, and that’s why she changed her sim. The matter was taken to her parents too, after her Landlord reported about it. I was so hurt to know this. That guy was making her life really worse, bugging her all the time. Now, that everything is settled and there’s no trouble from him since he has left Bangalore and been transferred elsewhere. The irony was that he was not a Slum! A Fuckin NIT/ IIT!! Bewarsi

I asked her to maintain a gap among people. Just that they are colleagues; it doesn’t mean that they are your relatives. A line has to be drawn to prioritize people in her life! Or else, the same thing will be repeated in future too. She is a kind of person who even if hurt, doesn’t reveal it to the other. She creeps it deep inside and feels it all herself. Even if someone’s reaching trouble to her, she tries to be a Mother Theresa and forgive them! Forgiveness is good dear…But I don’t want anything to happen to you in this Mess!!! Please try to understand L

Finally, we had our dinner, and soon realizing that it was an End to a Great Day I had, I tried to make the most of itL . The weather was soo Cold; I gave her my jacket and tried to keep her warm. She, as usual, insisted that she was ok without. But I knew she wasn’t. She was literally vibrating!! We finally reached the place where her Friends were waiting for her. I gestured at them, and then they left. She too left with them L waving her hand towards me. God!! It was soo sweet to see her doing that J… All my worries of missing her was compromised with that wave J…A sweet little bye which showed so much truth of her Beauty and Charm J…A truth which I won’t be sharing for the whole of my life. A truth which still has not been defined in my Dictionary of emotions. And when that truth reveals out, I don’t know what’s gonna happen!

She may not be feeling the same way for me. I bet she does not! If at all she does, then I will never look back (I’m saying this with a 70:30 heart) I will keep her soo damn happy every single minute and second and day, that she will never regret for the decision she’s made. She repeatedly kept saying that she felt that I was being troubled coz of her (and the same thing was being said by me to her! Again another thing in common!!) I don’t know what she feels for me. I am ok with if she doesn’t tell me. I know she has huge expectations for her partner, which she may not be seeing in me. I may not be handsome enough, I may not be that successful, I may not be a good Care-taker. I am not asking her to give a chance either. All I believe is in Destiny! And Destiny will judge the right Solution for the situation.

Today, she left Home, for Chathurthi. While she was in bus, I was chatting with her. Accidentally or purposefully, I still don’t know why I typed and sent it to her that “I will miss you”. She had an immediate reply “Oops!! Scary :$”. I didn’t say much after that. Just tried to stay away from my phone and tried not to call her or text her.

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Sunday, 04^th September 2011

Bangalore

Chapter 2

Mind & Control

It’s been 4 days that she has gone home. It’s been 3 n a half day that I have talked to her. So much of things happening around in the world… So many things happening around me…So many things that she too would have done in these four days. But, not a clue is left behind me as to what she is upto, how she’s enjoying her “Long Weekend”. At the same time, I am also not able to talk to her, listen to her and most important of all…see her in front of me! Just the small and tiny imagination is holding me up patiently and keeping me self-controlled. All these years I have been controlling myself, and I am trying to do the same even now. But not forever! I want to be controlled by someone else. I want to surrender myself to someone who will be the “Everything of my life”. I want to feel loved! I want to feel Shared with everything!

Hope you remember, the last text I had sent to her was “I will be missing you”. After which, a deadly reply came, I tried to be Diplomatic by saying “I’m sorry. I just said what I felt”. She said that I don’t have to be sorry, take care. Then, I said that I should not have said it, babye. Later in the day, I tried texting her, but did not receive any reply till long. She was actually out with her cousins, and so didn’t reply, or maybe she didn’t want to reply! The Next Day, I wished her with a morning message and waited for the whole day for a reply. No reply at all L I thought not to send her a message in the night, thinking that she would get bugged for my messages. I slept in a unfinished and awful day. It was a Day full of expectations, none of them happening L First it was Blair on Indigo who did not play my requested song “Your Beautiful, James Blunt”, then it was Melodie in the evening who again turned down my request for the same song L Then it was the Cricket match, India v/s England in which we lost out. And most important of all… a single reply that I was waiting from her part which never came. I tried to be in control of myself and Slept…End of that Day, Friday 2^nd September 2011.

Then it was the Saturday, a weekend for me J I woke up at 8!!! Thanks to Kitty for spoiling my sleepJ. After I ended his call, I saw something really really unexpected!!!!! Guess what? A “Good Night…J”message by her. God!!! That was the Best Message I ever got from someone till now. I howled so loud after reading that message, crawling all over my bed, just not able to control my emotions. Thanks to Her, thanks to the almighty for remembering me!! The first time, I felt happy for being remembered. And that too, being remembered by a person whom I am missing the most at this thin little point of time! I was sooo happy, I replied immediately how much she was being remembered on Friday. And after that… no reply at all! Not a single reply in the whole day!! I did not send any other message or did not try to call her later the whole day. I just had this feeling that I was somehow disturbing her mind. And I also have this fear in me that she begins trusting me and I do not turn out loyal to her. This is one major Question that is crushing me to the Core! Will I be loyal to her?

I know if I had asked this question to anyone, then I would have got back a lot of similar answers which say… trust is what works out in a relation. I know that. Trust is necessary and it’s very important. And I am not that way!! Not that I will cheat upon, but I can’t Guarantee about the future or promise anyone about what I am gonna do and how I’m gonna live my life!

Well… let’s not concentrate much about the above paragraph. J It’s the typical me who made me write so.

The whole of Saturday was full of activities for me. First I went to my mechanic to get my BlackBeauty repaired. But the Mechanic wasn’t there since it’s a Ramzan Week too. Then, I went to P2’s place, picked him up and came back to my place. After Lunch, a sexy and spicy lunch at “Badoota”, we left to his aunt’s place to pick his vehicle. We left late in the Evening and reached back to his place at around 2200 hrs. P2, P1, P3, P4 and P2’s cousin P5, we all sat for our Saturday night Sessions with Khodays!

At some point of time, discussion about her came up! (Nobody knows about my feelings to her as of now) P1 was linked with her name during early College Days since they both were from the same place. Then I asked each one of them with their opinion about her. P1 said she was flirty and that he just had a crush and there’s nothing more to it now. P2 said that she was his lab-mate, was flirty and knows how to get things done from people for her good. P3 said that she was flirty, had a boy-friend  and at the same time was flirting with another guy named P7. P4 didn’t want to say anything about her, just that she was a good girl. I was ok with everything that they said.

Everyone said that she was flirty. Even I agree. I have seen her a lotJ. And moreover, I don’t miss out observing such things, especially on those whom I admire. I am actually feeling a bit disturbed after I had to write about her ex’s name. I dunno why I am feeling so, but I am feeling that she was really…really hurt for whatever had happened. She had once said this before about it. According to what she said, he had taken sympathy from her and earned her love. I could feel her pain when she said that to me. I don’t want her to end up the same way again. I don’t want to give her pain, and at the same time I want to pay my respect and care to everyone else too.

So…during that session, we talked a lot of things. It was 0008hrs, and I get a message “Good night…J” from her. I was sooo happy again. She had not messaged the whole day, but did not forget to convey that she has something inside too J(that’s what I feel!) I dunno…I have a strong feeling in me that she too likes me. I dunno whether it’s love as an attraction or something else. There is something common among us in this matter too!!!

I feel that I am disturbing her. She feels that she is! It’s so confusing, whole day I wait for her message, there won’t be a single reply and in the end of the night, I get a total compromise for my doubts with two simple words and a smile! It’s so amazing. I am totally enjoying it right now. Hope it be a joy ride forever, not a sick-hell-of-a-life in the future as most of them say towards Love.

I dunno, I still do not know what exactly I feel for her. I dunno how she has taken me. I dunno what she feels for me? Last time, when we had been to Nandi, that Sunday and the next day she talked to me of not having a brother. She was so depressed for not having one, and kept saying that she wanted a brother in her life. I didn’t speak much for that. I just kept quiet! I thought I should console her by saying that I was there for her as a brother. But, you know it…it’s so hard to call yourself as a brother than to be called as an Asshole! It’s not that I don’t want to be as her brother, but I want to be first confirmed with my feelings towards her. And also, her parents are planning on her wedding too!!! OMG!! Now this is Scary.

Look what and all is followed with a simple Good Night. If she hadn’t texted, then I would have stopped writing. Those two little words are scrabbled with my mind, playing all kinds of Lukka-Chuppi.

All I am waiting for is another “Good night…J” from her tonight! I won’t mind if I lose her and not be able to share my life with, if I get the same message every night. A message which will give a smile in me saying, “Chethan…I still remember youJ”

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Monday 5th September 2011

Train, Bangalore-Kakinada

Chapter 3

Those valuable Ten minutes

Oh God!!! Time is moving so fast, someone please ask it to slow down. I’m not able to buy enough time for myself to get what I want the most right now. I dunno why this chaos happened now!!!That too within a matter of a week’s time!

She has left her place by train today at around 1100hrs. I had planned to meet her, may be give her a little surprise in the Railway Station coz I too was going to be there at the same time. I was sooo eager to meet her; I was being so impatient, that I was calling her for every half hour just to know how nearer she was reaching. She told me that the scheduled arrival was at 1330 hrs, and to my bad luck, my train was supposed to leave at 1320hrsL.

10 minutes…those tiny little minutes…precious minutes. I was thinking to myself why the system would not be frank when needed and messy when not needed. All I wanted is only one thing to happen. Either my train leaves beyond schedule, or her train arrives prior schedule! I may not have prayed like this before. All I had in me was that expectation, that tiny little expectation of sneaking a chance through the massive time of the world, so that I will be able to meet her, admire that smile she carries and leave with good hope.

In the meantime, I did not forget to check how closer she has reached. When I was at the station, she was 50 kms closerJ. I was totally optimistic that some kind of miracle would happen in favour. But, I could not stay positive in front of her. I was expressing my grief of not being able to meet her. She sensed something fishy in it I guess. Good lord… finally something came up in her mind. Finally, a question from her side!!! She did not speak properly too when I was on a call with her. She said that there was a lot of noise and disturbance, next time I called she said there was not network, and next time the battery was low!! I trusted her and didn’t try to question her back.

It was about 10 minutes for my train to leave on Schedule. I got a message from her saying that she won’t be able to reach and that would meet some other time. While I was entering the station, I had seen a train which has arrived from the same place where she had left. So, I texted her immediately whether she was in it or not? Just a tiny little greedy thought that came in me! She said No and along with that reply she questioned on me “A HUGE ATOM BOMB”.

Her: “Hey I felt u r acting little different these days.. M I giving any wrong signs..? If yes m sorry..I thought its better to clear..M not into feelings n stuffs..pls don expect anythin from me da..”

I was like… “Shit!!! What am I gonna do now? What am I gonna say?”

Me: “Jwhat made yo feel so?” She said “Dunno, pls don miss me n all..”

OMG!!! Guess what...? Her favourite song is playing on my phone nowJ. Hundred years to her, Hundred 100 hundred lovely years to you dear. “ You make me smile, pls say for a while now, just take your time, wherever you go… I dunno why I am being pulled again and again into her thoughts, even thoughts I’m trying not to!Ok..Now let’s get back to the conversations. So…she said not to miss her. I tried calling her right away.

Her: “Will talk later”.

Me:“Im really sorry if im hurting yo…I don’t want to either…just that im finding yo very good…I dunno its hard to explain…im sorry”.

Her: “No m also bad..Jus tat u don no..sorry is not the answer.?”

Her: “ok da..take care. Have a nice time.bye”

Me: “I know sorry is not that answer…yo can take the answer the way yo wanted to know…and I really don’t agree with yo being bad…I must not be behaving like this…I know that…but Im doin it out of my conscience…My train’s leaving…im really sorry for acting this way…I wanted to say wat I feel that’s it…take careJ”.

For about half hour, there’s no reply.

Me: “And I never felt that yo are giving any signs…its my problem…Did yo reach?”

Her: “M in i t p l bus…”

Now I knew that she was pissed at me!!

Me: “ok…Jfine…wat act (abt) lunch?”

Me: “Can we talk?”

No reply from her at all. I was sooo sad and mad at myself for playing with her emotions. I didn’t wanna see her reacting or behaving this way at me. I wanted her to be smiling and smiling ever & forever. But, now I don’t think I’ll be able to see that again in herL, especially when I’m in front of herL. After an hour I again texted her.

Me: “Im sorryL”

Her: “ok,No prob..Don think much..Take care”

Me: “J yo too take care..had lunch?”

No reply for that againL. I waited for some time.

Me: “I dunno…im feelin that yo are upset at me! Pls don be…I di not mean to hurt yo”.

After that I haven’t received a single message from her. Its been 6 hours and there’s no reply from her at all! Now again I tried reaching her.

Me: “HiJ still angry?”

Me: “Im sorry”

Me: “Good night”

Me: “Hey!Don be sooooo angry ..pls..pls..pls”

Her: “Ok..Jus now came. Not like I don want to reply”

Finally!! A reply after such a long timeJ, made my day.

Me: “Can I call?”

Me: “????”

Me: “Say something atleast”

Me: “Fine…whenever yo feel like saying yo say it…I wont speak anything till then…The       irony is that today’s 5^th!! I just feel that yo haven’t completed yo’r exact thoughts yet…its half said”

Me: “Good night..take care”

Her: “Had no charge da. Now m sleepin. Wil talk tom”

Me: “FineJ take care..good night”

            I know something like this would happen and that she would say something similar to the above! I don’t know what I have to do to get back her trust towards me. I have hurt her, I know that and when I ask her she is being silent. I want to talk her but she is avoiding it. The next 3 weeks, she’s going home for her dental treatment. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I’m really gonna miss her if this is the case.

All I need is a chance. A good chance so that I can show her how much she means to me. I won’t give up. I want an answer from her why I should not expect any such feelings from her side. I want to know what is it that’s making her so conscious and trying to avoid falling into affection and all (might sound funny to you all reading it). I want a clear answer from her. I won’t bug her asking about this each and every time. But, I will make sure that she has an answer for all. She said not to expect anything from her. But, why? Tell that Dear!!! J. You tell me and clear it off…I won’t even bother to get this topic again. I promise!

Today has been one of the awful days for me ever. I do not take things much deeper any time. I remember the days when I was completely down. One was on the day we performed during my first VTU fest. One more was during the days my grandpa was ill. Other was during the placements when I didn’t get through tech-Mahindra. And this is the fourth time. Thank god this was not co-incidentally the fifth!!

Even the radio had a series of songs just to add to my emotions. After that, it was my playlist on phone. I have been listening to music since some time. But today I realised that music has only root. That’s love! Love controls every part of the rhythms that we listen to, enjoy and share with all. Love is that which controls the whole universe in a divine pace to justify the sole purpose of us all being her. I actually wept when Nothing else matters got startedL.

I dunno i am strong at times…most of the times. But now I’m down. I do not want to tell this to anyone. I am kind of worried about the future as I’m not sure of what’s happening around me.

There’s a lot more to write. People in the train are kind of mad at me right now for keeping the lights ON. Good night.

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         Teusday 13th September 2011
            Bangalore

Chapter 4

The Hangover

5^th will be one of the most remembered date for me. She was born on that date, I was born on that date and the blunder too happened on that date, 5^th September 2011.

Since then, I have been trying to come back to my normal routine. Thanks to my work load that’s on me currently, managing to stay away from everything else during the day. Now I need something to get busy with in the weekends to be dead neutral on everything that I have felt and gone through these days. However, I still have that instinct of talking to her, see her and feel for her. Thanks to my patience for being so co-operative. Hope she too is finding it easy to deal with this situation created by me.

I tried contacting her on the 6^th, at night at around 2337 hrs. She picked! J I was happy right away. She had changed a lot, that too within a span of almost 35 hours. I felt guilty for what I had done. I apologised directly for being so relentless or whatever word that can possibly define my act. She did not respond properly at all. I didn’t know whether to continue talking to her or to say good-bye and finish the call. She then started speaking up bit-by-bit. We talked and talked and talked, for almost 90 mins. These 90 minutes were very different compared to the past talks we had. No much of humour in my talks, not much of smiles in her voice. I felt it was just a persuasive me and forced to hear on the other end.

She was really upset for what I did. She started saying that she was finding fault in her as most of the people who meet her behave the same way as I did. I was directly narrowed down among the rest she had known. There was nothing special that she found in me. She said that too, that she has never felt anything for me. I had no other way but to listen, or rather bear that pain like a shrub which was being cut and taken away to make a garland on a dead body. I do not remember what and all she had said during this conversation. I dunno why I am not able to remember it. May-be I was not ready to listen to it. May be I still had that little hope that if I give her some time, then there would be a possibility. Minute by minute I started feeling that I was a “No-one” in her life. Yes, that she accepts me as a very good friend, and she values that relationship among us. But, other than being a friend, I’m a No-one and I guess I will be a No-one ever after.

After her relation with him, she had never felt a bit for anybody in her life. Everyone else whom she has seen is the same according to her. She has no trust in love, feelings and anything related to it. All these feelings are just a mere temptation and within a period of time they all disappear away. I felt that she was right. In fact, even I hold the same perception about it. Now, that doesn’t mean that you have to stick to it. There will be times when you realize that life has something new and interesting to offer, and we have to be ready to face it with an open-heart (guess Dr. Devi Shetty is on yo’r mind when I said this!).

She was deeply committed to that guy. He was a year or two senior to us I guess. She was in love with him just coz of the way he was with her. She liked him coz she loved the reason behind it. In other words, she liked what she was feeling rather than whom she liked. She said that he had everyone as a family, but had no one for him. She had been to his place a couple of times for lunch. This had even reached to the point of marriage, while he planned to convert her into his religion, and that is when she decided that she has to give a break to it. She was not ready to sacrifice her sentiments for the sake of love. Salute her! :) She was in that teenage wonderland enjoying the way things were happening, not listening to what her friends used to say or advise her. She in fact had a lot of fights, almost daily with her friends’ coz of this. She never listened and didn’t wanna listen. She doesn’t regret for what had happened too. It seems he had told her that he would not marry anyone else than her. Now, that guy has married some other gal and is settled abroad. I could feel the emotional her when she said this to me. I felt bad, really really bad. But, I didn’t wanna say a word to her, coz I felt it was not right of me to do so. I am in a stage of trying to be away from her, and if I start resuming this topic, then it would be more problematic.

I was deeply hurt for what she had done in her earlier life. I didn’t find it right. I don’t understand why she was sooo dumb in knowing him. She was emotionally trapped. I’m sure of it, he must have crimped all his sentiments, sorrows in front of her, gained her sympathy/ trust or whatever it’s called and caught her completely in his trap. She just fell for it unknown. I know she will not agree with thisJ. This is what I feel. I may be wrong, sorry if I am.

“I am not upset for the fact that I am rejected, but that she did that huge blunder of trusting him”

At the end of our conversation, I asked her whether I could call her again on the next day. She asked me “You want to talk to me daily?” I couldn’t help out much to myself, but directly said “Ok fine…I won’t call”…unless she is happy with it. Anything for her good timesJ

I was willing to take a step ahead with her. But as you all know, it will definitely lead to more problems adding to what exists currently. I talked about that too with her. She said that she has no plans of getting married soon. Also, her parents had a discussion with her when she was home last week, and she strictly said not to look out for any at the time being. I am so confused right now, not being able to read what exactly is in her mind. I really don’t understand it. May be I’m not capable of understanding anybody. Maybe I should stick to be what I am, what I was and what I will be, rather than trying to be!

Life has got a lot to offer. Everything that we go through has a lesson or a moral behind it. May be this was a lesson/moral to understand the value of friendship and the value of love. A friend will always stay as a friend and should not be considered into the feelings of love.

But, I won’t take this as a lesson. This is a part of my life. It will be part of my life. No strong force exists to part me away from its memories, which might be the only thing left with me a few days from now. The memories of a special one who came like a pinch of honey, leaving us in a dilemma as to where it came from within the vast jungle. Everyone likes honey, everyone wants to taste honey. But tracing the comb is not easy. Even if traced, getting the bee away needs a skill. Maybe I lack that skill in me. The skill of being special. The skills of making someone being felt special. A skill which needs to be in-built.

Now, we have not interacted much as before. Last weekend I tried not to contact her and was successful in doing so. Later during the night, on Sunday, we met online, had a small chat and I signed off. I couldn’t smell anything happening from her side. She was still in the same mood.

Monday too went on well, until Tuesday morning, aka today, when I saw her message that she had sent last night saying “Good night”…ahrrrrrrr….God!!!!!Please save me!!!!!!!!




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Sunday 02^nd October 2011

Bangalore

Chapter 5

Hangover & Good times

            Life, as everyone has explained, is always beautiful. The beauty might include a part of Good times and Bad times. At the end of the day, the one who goes through any such situation in a beautiful manner can only say that “My life is Beautiful”. To make it so, there is a person, a reason, a motivational inspiration behind it. The one whom you would always feel to share with, the one whom you will never ever dare to cause any harm… After 23 years of amazing journey, I have now reached a stage where I got to get more serious. Actually, just serious, coz I was never so! And here is one motivation, a real inspiration who just reminds me of who I am and what I am capable of Doing.

            There are times when you will be like a free bird. Then a time when you are left alone to get along with whatever’s around. Then, there will be a period when we try to focus on our future, how we could achieve our dreams, we start chasing those dreams. Then, there will be a period where we would concentrate more towards self-esteem or whatever it is called. And then period when only memories are the only treasure we got.

            All these years, I was just floating around as a Freebird. I had got no goals; I was never bothered much about family affairs. I was just a street dog which only had in its mind, “where will my today’s food be?” Now I realise that there was something I missed till now. Something which is most important at all times. And that is the attention of another person towards you.

            Things are moving on pretty well these days. What was thought to be a strong fenced End is nowhere close to that thought! I am just feeling better and better every day. We talk, we chat, and we meetJ. What else would someone need? Since 05^th September, we never talked about that matter. And that has not stopped us from being close to each other. Well, atleast me trying to be close to her.

            I am not an early to bed kind of a guy. But the current work is forcing me to sleep by 0000hrs and wake up at 0800hrs. She works for the second shift, from 1400hrs to 2230hrs. So, by the time she is at home, it would be around 2300hrs, sometimes 0100hrs too. I have seen her a lot times reaching after 0030hrs. Whenever she is late at work, I never get sleep. I try texting her and wait for her reply. All I wait from her is that sweet little “Good nightJ” of her’s. Once she reached home, she texts most of the times. Sometimes, we end up talking too...for long hours. Most of the talk will be about her work, which she has just kept within herself and suffering with it. She has such high hopes with her job; it just makes me admire her. She’s truly worth admiringJ. That smile she carries with her, God…nothing is more beautiful than that…Nothing at all. Those cute little eyes of hers, that bubbly little face, and the simplicity she has within her. There is no one else I have seen till now (this would not apply much to me, as I am not any kind of punter among Girls).

Last Saturday was her niece’s Barday! She had to come over to her relative’s house in Basavangudi. She called up when she was in the Bus and said that she had to shop for her nephew. I said that I would join her to shop, and immediately I rushed to meet her. And at the right time, my bike’s battery lock slipped out, I had to be abt 15 mins later to meet her. Finally I met her at 1415hrs. She has not had Lunch and her relatives, including her mother where supposedly waiting for her for lunch! The smile she had when I saw her that day, it had so much to explain. I dunno, I felt that she was very happy to see me. More than I was to see her. I felt sooo delighted looking at her, God!!! I can’t explain it out. It was one of the moments for me to cherish forever. We went around to a few shops; she bought a few gifts for her nephew, niece and another nephew. I paid for them, for which she disagreed, but I was more than happy to pay for it. She pays or I pay, I felt it’s the same. The feeling of sharing had come out in me for the time ever. I seriously never felt like doing this before. Something new again happened, and she is solely responsible for it…The Lady of my LifeJ. Later, I dropped her near the relative’s house and I left to kitty’s place. I had seen it in T.V, two people looking back after parting away. It happened to me that Day, for the first time (another first time again). I was looking back, she too was looking back, but both couldn’t contact eye to eye coz of the traffic around.

I then, sensed that there must be something coming up again. Now this was again a new feeling that I generated myself. One feeling has proved out costly, and I’m hoping that this won’t end up being the same!

Now, we talk a lot on phone. I walk out of office in the day time during 1130hrs or so and talk to her for about an hour or so... Yes, that too during Office hours, we have hours long of conversations. She was saying about her Brazilian Boss who keeps travelling all the while between countries. His name is Bruno Pauli, a Portuguese, chubby and cute! According to her!!! She is made fun of with him by her colleagues’ coz of their size difference. She being slim and he being Huge. Her friend had been for a Date today, and she was talking about it. I eventually asked her when she would go for a date with anybody. So, she said that she would go with Bruno. I got pissed off!!!Real Bad!! I didn’t have anything to say, but to just say ok. I could sense of jealousy in me! Ha!!

I have been sharing almost everything that happening around me. My dad’s facing certain problem by his work and has been transferred. She is the only one whom I have been sharing it with. My mom was angry on Dad few days back! It was a real task to cool her down and get her back to normal. I said all about this to her!! We have been sharing a lot of things lately, from both sides. We are just taking it all a bit slow and hoping that it won’t be spoilt. I have never done this earlier, now its all being done! I was given a lot of hints by friends on how to impress gals. I never tried to do so. Now I realize that I don’t have to forcibly care for somebody! There is something called as Destiny which will lead us to the right DoorJ I feel that I’m almost there and hoping for that door to OpenJ Hope it opens!!

There comes Chinmay from nowhere, and cracks it all down! He sensed that I have liked someone and that I was hiding it from him. I said that it was true. He even pointed out to me who the Girl I like is!! He said that we were indeed a good pair. He is asking me to proceed further with it. But it’s me who don’t want it to happen keeping in mind of my parents, her parents and most important of all, her choice!!

Today, morning had again been to Nandi Hills with Chinmay and Bhatru. I was just remembering of her the whole time. Chinmay could sense it all the while and was alerting me to stop thinking deeper. I just couldn’t avoid doing so. Later, on my way back she called me. I was waiting for her call yesterday, but couldn’t talk. Later she told me that she was out of balance and was expecting me to call her so that we could talk!! I missed talking to her last night. Today, she had to go to her relative’s place again. On 4^th, 5^th and 6^th, her cousin is getting married and she is all excited about it. She is wearing her mom’s wedding Saree. It’s a blue bordered one, my favouriteJ. She had to go there since there was a ceremony today. I said that I would meet her meanwhile. Since I had to drop Chinmay to his Aunt’s place, I waited for her near Central Mall. She was waiting for a bus from her place for a long long time. I once said that would come to pick her up, but she finally boarded a bus towards Jayanagar. I waited for about an hour. She was sorry for making me wait. But it was me who said that would wait! Finally…We met again! J

We first went to Ragavendra Mutt. Luckily it was openJ She was happy! After that, we went to have a milk Shake. We spent a good time thereJ we shared the milk shake, strawberry, her favourite and then GudBud. She was totally hungry and I could sense it. She ate it all wellJ later; I dropped her near her relative’s place. This time I made sure I would see her eye to eye while leaving and she did! J She had that cute little wave again looking back towards me! I was all delighted

Things are changing!! And hope it is all for the GoodJ Yuhoo!!!!!

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Saturday 22^nd October 2011
Bangalore

Chapter 6

Expectations

Everyone as an individual thinks as an individual. There may be a lot of them including me who would not agree to it, but this is the fact that has to be expectedJ. Hope you have realised what I am gonna convey in this chapter. Yes, eggjactly! The moment when the other person asks you not the expect anything, “NO TO & FRO”. Any person in the world always claims to be different when compared to the rest around them. We are so much into our own feeling and thoughts that we do not even give a damn for what others feel regarding the same. If we want something then, it is our property, and no foreigner is supposed to be treated nor treats our property.

She is going through a real testing time. Office, me and herself, all are adding more to her sleeplessness. She was highly down due to a lot of things. I dunno where to begin it from!

First, were her Team leaders whom she reports to. Daily she sets up calls since most of them are On-site working at different countries. As they were all on the call, one of the TL incidentally taunted her with one of the Clients saying that she knew him personal and that the work would be done easier through her. She not nothing to say, but discontinue the call, she deleted the report she had prepared for the day and walks off homeL. I was in Mangalore then. It was on 08^th of the month. She was very upset of whatever happened there and called me up. It was hard for me to convince her. When a person is hurt within, it is really difficult to calm them down. And when this happens to someone whom you want the most, then it hurts badly, real badly. However, I asked her to talk about this to her TL whom she actually reports. The thing is that she has around 3 TL’s of Different projects where she has put her hands into. She never wanted to give away any source of knowledge. So she had taken up other projects too on her head. Now, this is what has happened to her in return! I can’t ask her to drop those projects and concentrate on her project alone. At the same time I can’t ask her to be quiet about whatever happened. More than her, it’s sometimes me who gets confused about what needs to be done.

Secondly, is her very Close Colleague cum Friends! There’s this person called A1 who is pretty close to her. He kind of likes her since a long time. I feel sorry for that chap! My other brotherL. He’s good at work, and very much in help to her. Without him, it’s a bit difficult for her and other two friends S1 & L1 to manage. So, all these four are together at work all the time. Recently, she has begun talkin to a new person in her project K1 coz of their mutual interest in music. Him being a guitarist, she had been out with K1 and other guy for Coffee. A1, S1, L1 seriously didn’t like it and now have parted away from her. The person who is angry at her was A1, and the other two had to be Barbie dolls of him. A1 came to her, yelled at her, and said that he didn’t expect all this from her. He even said indirectly that she was his friend only for the sake of getting her work done! S1 and L1 too have been away from her since then. To add more to it, her other friends too have been saying that she’s very soft on everybody and that’s been weakness. She is facing such a horrible time, I dunno why it is happening now! Why didn’t it happen this way earlier before I even started feeling for her? Now, She doesn’t go out with anybody during breaks, comes out of work alone, goes to work alone and is all alone while at work tooL. I am feeling like a jerk here, not able to do anything but keep travelling every week on work. Sometimes, I feel I should be close to her place and look after her all the time. When she says that she is leaving back home alone late in the night, I seriously get soo boiled up! What kind of company is it which doesn’t have a pinch of care towards their employees? And they proudly say that they are largest recruiters!! My Ass

Thirdly, her close friend and room-mate is also packing from Blore and leaving to Chennai! She was left away at work, now left away at her home tooL. Last Night when I was speaking to her, she said that everybody was leaving away from her. I felt so broke when she said those words. I wanted to say that I was always there for her, but didn’t tell it thinking of the consequences. After a while she itself said that even I would leave her someday and go awayL. I couldn’t control anymore of it. I said “Bubbly! From the core of my heart I am telling you, I am always there for you”. It was not so easy to give these heavy words to her. It has so much of importance and carries so much of responsibilities which I should always be ready to. Finally, the time came for me when I had to listen from her saying “Don’t take so much of tension for me. I can handle myself. I am perfectly fine. I don’t need anyone to keep thinking of me. I feel this is too much”.

Now I feel that the first most reason for her grief is me! It’s not her boss, not her colleagues, not her room-mate. It’s me! The Bloody me who has been in love with a Girl who doesn’t even want to cared upon! I am not expecting anything huge from her. It’s just the time I spend with her which gives me so much of energy all the time. She not feels that we should not be getting along more. I said it’s hard for me to be that way. I told her that I feel very comfortable talking to her, being with her, more than anyone else ever. She doesn’t want it to be that way. Now, the differences between us has started showing up! L All this while, it was only the similarities that we had was seen. Now, there’s the other side of it. The so called sad part of itL. I am feeling that there’s going to be an end to it soonL she doesn’t want this to continue anymore.

She feels that everybody in this world expects something or the other from everybody. Everybody is being selfish on their part. Finding a person who is selfless is really hard. I may not be expecting anything from her, but she doesn’t agree with it. Expectations are the only reason that people get along with each other. Without expecting, it is not so easy for anybody to get along in their life. A1 expected, S1 expected, L1 expected, she expected a bit from Harini, I too would have expected from her. But I have never shown it to her. May be, if I had expected anything from her, then it would be her! Just herL, which is the last thing ever possible for me in my life.

She is the Sharada of my life. Last week when I was in Mlore for Dasara, I had been to watch the procession. I could only see her in the Sharada Idol. It was eggjactly her like. I might be exaggerating for you all, but I am telling you, it was her photocopy itself when I see BubblyL I told about this to her, but she took it lightly.

Every time, every day I have only one thought in me. What I am gonna do to get her? How am I gonna convince my parents about it? How am I gonna convince her parents about it? Most important of all, how am I gonna win her in my life??? These are the only things which have been haunting me since all these days. She directly said that she doesn’t like the way I am concerned about her, the way I get worried about her every time. Also, that my family too is having a bit of problems regarding his Transfer, she just feels that I am being a more affectionate towards her than normal. I feel that she thinks of me being Possessive or something of that sort. But what can I do? How can I stop liking her?

She has been saying that she feels like going to Hassan for Jamboree. I too would be going. We have planned to, but she has a pooja to attend in Virupaksha temple in Srirangapatana. I have asked her to be there for a day on Saturday and may be leave back to Mysore on Sunday. She has said that she would think over it and let me know. Now I feel that if I am there with her, then it would be an issue for her itself. May be I should plan to quit the Fest and go home directly to attend Bharath’s House warming.

Bharath’s back from US and has got some awesome stuff! A Jacket, riding gloves, head cover and lots and lots of Chocolates. I am waiting to meet her to give those Chocolates. Now, I even doubt about it happeningL I am Blank! There’s nothing I am able to think of, nothing that I am able to feel forLnothing at all.

I even tried giving a small clue to mom about all this. She was all charged up and started being mad. I got to know how intensified it would be if I made it for real. Also, I don’t want to set an example for my sister who will be getting married soon. Mom wants our family to be continued. I too agree with it. But, losing Bubbly for that?? Oh! God!!!

I am a jerk! I have been a jerk, I am a jerk and I will be a jerk!! That’s what I am all worth to be. I’m not worth to be liked by anybody. The only thing I am good at is Sarcasm. I’m one Big Sarcastic chutia who just develops all these impossible thoughts and gets optimistic on achieving them. Fucking Ass…I hate myself.

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Sunday 23^rd October 2011

Bangalore

Chapter 7

Insecure & Disturbed

            It’s all overL. 22^nd October 2011, another day in the list which has to be remembered throughout my life! The day when I was told by her that I should stop contacting her.

            There are a lot of Power problems being faced in whole of the city. She was not able to charge her phone due to it. I was trying to contact her since around 1800 hrs as she had been to work. When I came to know that her phone was switched off, I felt worried and sent her a couple of texts. She later reached home and charged her phone. In the meantime I had been to Lifestyle to collect our Diwali gift vouchers from office. She did not have any balance on her phone, so I recharged for her. Later in the night at around 2300hrs I called her back.

            Previous night I had spoken a bit more than what was required. She was not comfortable with it. I didn’t have any other way than to apologise for it. She admitted that it was the time that made her feel everyone was departing away from her. She used to get sentimental farewell msg’s from all her friends who are leaving to different places from Blore. One is leaving to Chennai, other to BHEL; other has already left to Jaipur. She felt that sense of loneliness and I was trying to cover her up and make her comfortable. This was not acceptable to her. Finding care from another man whom you do not expect to be behaving in that manner is really testing times for anybody. She too is not able to live with it. Later she told me that she had those feelings for Z still alive. The way I’m happy to be thinking about her and the way I’m happy remembering her, she too has the same feeling for Z even now. She stopped loving him coz he asked her to get converted to his religion. But the memories of him are still there in her. She is not ready to accept another person in her life. Her parents are now asking her to get married, but she is not ready for it too. She says that she will not marry anyone, but that won’t be true. She said, “If I love someone in the future, then it would be my husband”J. Typical Indian she was when she said thatJ. In spite of all the hurting words I had to listen, I had a big smile in my face when I listened to her saying those words, magical words.

            I was a bit shocked to know that she still felt for him. I don’t understand what it was which makes her feel so good about him. I seriously don’t understand. I was hurt. She later said, “You can stop talking to me if you want”, and she had to drop the phone. That’s it!! Those were the most hurtful words I had ever got till now! I was completely torn. I didn’t have words to say. I didn’t have the courage to be bold. I didn’t have anything at all. Not a single thing to defend myself. Dreams shattered, eyes getting heavier, cigarettes getting over, this is all I hadL. As soon as she dropped the call, I texted her saying, “I’m not someone who will stop talking just coz I won’t get you, If you are happy, then its more than everything. Take care...Have a great time”. Today morning I again texted her

            

Today, since she was leaving, I tried calling her up and again her phone was switched off. Later after sometime, I again tried. I called up lot of times, may be abt 6-7 times. No reply at all. So, I texted her saying “Bubbly.. Ljust wanted to speak to you before yo left..i don’t want things to be bad anytime..this is not at all right..all I can be with would be good memories..not the bad ones..take care..happy journey..live happy”. I again called her at around 1300 hrs, a hour back. She picked and said that was leaving home, and said that she would call back again. No reply for 30 mins. I called her again. No reply! She called backL. She was completely in a different tone nowL. She was Angry, she was upset, and she was Mad at me! She asked me why I have been making so many calls to her whole day. I had no reply again. All I said was Sorry...Sorry…Sorry. She said not to do this anymore. She said that she needs some time. I was not brave to speak at all. I didn’t say anything. She dropped the call. It has all ended up like a Flat tyre on a Glacier. The metal rim touches the ice, we are sunk!

I have Lost herL, foreverL

I don’t think I would be continuing writing anymore of it. Babye

Just in at 2130hrs, “Pls don worry..Don msg or call me..U r making feel weird n bad. Bye” L Its all over….